What Bear Grylls didn't tell you about survival: Five Ways To Start a Camp Fire

Let's face it, Bear Grylls may be happy knawing down on a rotting sheep carcases eyeball or swimming across crocodile-eating pirahanna infested water, but the reality is, most of us are a little more soft around the edges and setting up a tent alone is feat in itself. So this is an urbanists guide to surviving in the "wild".

Five Ways to Start a Campfire:

Nothing does more to define the campsite than a fire. We have been sitting around them for tens of thousands of years and the ability to light one without battering an eyelid is the definitive measurement of how manly a man is in the wilderness (or local campsite). Unfortunately we seem to have lost our knack for rubbing a couple of twigs together in order to create something that would put the Great Fire of London to shame. Here are some cheating tips on how to get a fire going but with a bit of flair.
First up, you need some DEAD and DRY wood. You can just buy this as most campgrounds will not allow you to collect it from the forest floor. The problem is that when you buy this, there is no kindling - that easy to light and fast burning accelerant to get logs burning through the night. If you buy fire starters, you are going to be shunned as the person who could not do a "proper" camp fire. Below are cheating methods as well, but at least you will be held in awe by your fellow campers:

Corn Chips:

Corn is used an alternative clean fuel, which means that corn must have some flammable properties right?

Pros: Slow burning with a small flame; almost guaranteed that someone would have packed some; feel like some new age environmental hippy
Cons: Temptation to build a burning pyramid for the corn chip gods will result in nothing for you to dip in the salsa except your dirt-coated fingers: feel like some new age environmental hippy

Lighter Fluid/Petrol:

Who has not done this?

Pros: Easily available; highly flamable
Cons: likely to put too much on the fire and at best loose your eyebrows; your fellow campers realise that you are a bogan

Hair:

I had a friend who demonstrated how flamable hair was by sitting in a tent and taking a lighter to his leg hairs. Needless to say many hours were wasted at his cost

Pros: unless you have a hair condition, easy to find; renewable fuel source
Cons: Burns very fast; smells funny; likely to find your fellow campers "trimming" you in the night

Farting:

OK, you can't really not have this one in there. It is the ultimate in juvenile male behaviour, but if you actually manage to get a fire started by this method, you will be written in the book of legends

Pros: Cheap to produce; opportunity to achieve legendary status
Cons: Follow through; excessive gas resulting in losing your manhood